How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

The stronger the self-direction is, the stronger the self-realization ability

Countless people have made outstanding achievements in their careers and have a stable and satisfying life despite growing up in poverty and neglect.

Although people’s motivation, behavior, and happiness are strongly influenced by the social environment, it is interesting that some people can still achieve admirable achievements after experiencing a poor growth environment. How to explain this seemingly confusing problem?

The famous social psychologist Edward L. Desikopu believes that only by satisfying the inner need for autonomy and generating inner motivations can you live a truly happy life.

Below, Enjoy:

How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

01The  stronger the self-oriented person, the stronger the self-realization ability

Richard Ryan and I and many collaborators participated in a long-term research project. The results found that the stronger the self-oriented people, the stronger the self-esteem, the stronger the self-realization ability, and the higher the degree of integration of their personality . In other words, the stronger the autonomy of the person, the stronger the consistency between their personality and behavior.

In addition, people with stronger autonomy tend to be mentally healthier and more satisfied with interpersonal relationships.

What’s more interesting is that research has found that a strong tendency to autonomy will make people experience a social environment that supports autonomy. This confirms one point: People can influence their environment through their behavior and expectations, so that the environment provides them with more of what they need.

The important thing is that whether in theory or in practice, the extent to which people’s behavior is autonomous, creative, vital, and inspired by intrinsic motivation, depends on their own personality (we call them their Autonomy orientation) and the degree to which the social environment supports autonomy.

The impact of the environment on people may indeed be greater than they thought, and it may indeed undermine people’s intrinsic motivation, but for the same reason, people can change all of this, they can start to act more autonomously, and they can figure out what they need. And you can start taking action on the world to get what you need.

Instead of waiting for the world to give them what they want, people should take the initiative to do things for themselves. They can get more and more support for autonomy from the social environment. Their personalities and the social environment in which they live interact and affect people’s experiences and behaviors together.

A few years ago, I was consulting for a company in the San Francisco area. The general manager of the company has a controlling style, and the eight department managers who report to him are very upset.

When I met each of them individually, they complained a lot to the general manager, but they were passive and did nothing.

Not surprisingly, these department managers respond to the boss’s control style by controlling their own work teams. Therefore, their unhappiness affects the approximately 100 subordinate employees they manage .

My attention was mainly focused on 8 department managers, and I spent some time studying how to make them have greater autonomy in the work team. But more importantly, we are committed to let them meet their needs.

Obviously, if managers themselves do not feel competent, autonomous, and connected with others, they will not support autonomy and will not maintain a harmonious relationship with their employees.

In my opinion, the eight department managers of this company in the San Francisco area must learn how to help each other-ask each other and give each other.

And this is the fact. During the months I met with them regularly, I noticed that their office doors were open more often. They spend more time contacting each other, supporting each other, and solving problems together. They broke the previous situation where the management team worked alone.

When they start to build relationships and support each other in different ways, they become more autonomous and support their work teams, thus creating a higher morale throughout the company.

In addition, they also learned how to “manage” their general manager:

They asked the general manager to give them what they needed, instead of waiting and sulking there as before.

Instead of continuing to say “yes, sir”, the department manager started to raise objections to the general manager in a polite and constructive manner, and then walked away angrily.

They learned to figure out his emotions in order to approach him when his emotions are most suitable for responding to others.

During these months, the general manager learned that before he and his subordinates with the work of just how demanding and picky yes. This undoubtedly also produced some positive results.

Over time, department managers found that as they became more supportive of subordinates, colleagues, and bosses, these people became more supportive of them. This influence radiated to both the general manager and department employees and brought positive results for the entire company.

How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

02Manage  emotions and inner impulses

1. Explore self-involvement

To be autonomous in a controlled environment is not only related to the management environment, but more importantly, it is related to managing yourself and your own inner experience. In addition, this is also related to the formation of the adjustment process to manage emotions and inner impulses, and to find ways to meet individual needs .

Human emotions are a powerful source of energy for action, and stories about people trapped in cars or under rubble finally escaped everywhere. When they feel strong emotions, they burst out with amazing energy. People even say that when they feel strong emotions, they can’t control themselves.

For everyone, forming the structural system and adjustment process necessary for effective emotional management is a major challenge in development. Some people overcome this challenge more successfully than others, partly because of course they have a more positive nurturing environment.

People who successfully overcome challenges can fully feel their emotions, and at the same time they can realize that they have real choices in how to express their emotions. However, those who fail to overcome the challenge either suppress their emotions so that they cannot feel it, or are overwhelmed by their own emotions.

One reason people interpret many incidents as threats is that they have formed self-involvement .

As pointed out earlier, self-involvement means that people’s sense of self-worth depends on a certain result. To feel valued, they may have to make their own in the eyes of others is clever, or gentle, strong, rich there are arts technique cells, or handsome.

When people become extremely rigid and control themselves in order to appear smart, gentle, or show other advantages in the eyes of others, they may become involved in everything. When self-involved, people are easily threatened by others.

Self-involvement makes people become emotional slaves . If they need to be strong in the eyes of others to feel worthy, then once others think they are weak, it will threaten their self-worth and may make them furious.

This soaring anger stems from the interpretation of evaluation as a threat. At this time, you should ask yourself: “Is it really that important to let others think that I am strong (or gentle, creative, smart, etc.)?” Is it worth worrying about and acting in a way that you will regret later?

What’s interesting is that once people start to get involved, it is equivalent to giving others a weapon, and others will soon learn how to use it.

One way to get out of this situation is to get involved in your own selves and start to explore what controls them.

How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

2. Management behavior

By exploring self-involvement, we can improve our ability to regulate emotions without suppressing our emotions. But this is only one of two important steps in making emotions more autonomous. Another important step is to gain greater flexibility in regulating behaviors that trigger emotions.

Emotions have certain behavioral tendencies , such as wanting to hit people when angry, running away when afraid, or wanting to get close to others when happy… This is undoubtedly left over from the early days of our evolutionary history, but people have the ability to suppress these impulses and decide how to act .

When people are autonomous, they will have a complete experience of their emotions, and at the same time, they will feel free when deciding how to express their emotions. In contrast, if emotion-driven behavior is controlled by the process of introspection, it will act in a rigid, programmed way.

For example, when people are angry, intro tells them: “This is how you save face.” Or intro can force them not to let others know that they are angry. Even more extreme is that some introspection completely suppresses the emotions of the perpetrator.

An acquaintance of mine never seemed to worry about anything, and he happened to be an example of this.

Depression can have dire consequences. Our emotion is an important messenger, it tells us that we are getting or not getting what we need . For example, emotions of fear and anger may mean that we think we are not getting what we expect, desire, or need.

Using emotions as clues, people can ask themselves two important questions.

First of all, what did I not get?

Second, do I really need it?

In fact, happiness is not what people boast about, and most people don’t really want to be happy all the time.

People often choose to watch movies or operas that are very disturbing. They make people feel scared, sad, disgusted or angry. They seek a variety of negative and positive feelings.

Happiness does not exist naturally as people imagine. It should not be the only goal that people pursue and promote human development. When people only want happiness, they will actually destroy their own development, because their pursuit of happiness will suppress other aspects of their experience.

Wanting happiness may make people avoid sadness when they lose a loved one (that is, suppress sadness), or avoid fear when facing danger.

The true meaning of living is not just to feel happiness, but to experience various human emotions . Once the pursuit of happiness interferes with other emotional experiences, negative consequences are likely to follow.

Autonomy means allowing oneself to feel all emotions and then decide how to deal with them . However, it is useful to distinguish between the various sensations according to their “pure” degree.

Humans mainly experience some basic emotions, such as happiness, sadness, excitement and anger, and some emotions are cognitively superimposed.

Depression is not a pure emotion. It is often confused with sadness, but the two are completely different. Sadness is pure emotion, and when you feel it, you will be nourished by it. Depression is full of self-deprecation, anxiety, and doubt. Depression will never nourish you, it is confusing and exhausting, and it is maladaptive.

Life is full of various experiences. Some succeed, some fail, some build relationships, and some lose loved ones. Although a person usually does not choose to fail or lose a loved one, the purely emotional experience that accompanies these experiences is a necessary part of making the best adjustments to these life changes.

Autonomy does not mean obstructing emotional awareness due to introverted warnings, nor does it mean letting emotions overwhelm everything. It means fully experiencing emotions and having a sense of choice in how to express emotions.

How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

03 Use of  Skills

On the last flight from London, a hospitable flight attendant brought me a soft drink. With a rubber band wrapped around his right wrist, I joked: “Nice bracelet.” But in fact, I doubt he is using it as a behavior modification technique.

I know that there is such a self-punishment technique. Whenever you feel a special impulse or have a certain obsessive thought, pull the rubber band. It’s a bit painful, but the purpose is to break bad thinking patterns and impulses by associating them with some kind of unpleasant stimuli.

When it comes to motivation issues, people always seem to want some skills to motivate or manage themselves. Many books designed to make people “self-help” in these areas have “the latest tips for motivating themselves” or “techniques that have been proven effective” on the covers of books.

In fact, there are no techniques that can motivate people or make people autonomous. Motivation must come from deep within, not external skills. It comes from people who have made up their minds and determined that they are ready to take on the responsibility of managing themselves.

When people are really ready to change for their own personal reasons, when they are willing to face and deal with the countless feelings (such as anxiety, incompetence, anger, fear or loneliness) hidden under their maladaptive behavior There is a motivation for change. Only in this case can various techniques be useful to them.

The individual’s strong desire to change must come first. After that, a certain technique may be able to give people some help.

How do ordinary people successfully counterattack? This is the most reliable method

I know a very organized person who does most things in an orderly manner. Before quitting, he smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. When he decided to quit smoking for 5 months, he set this goal:

In the first month, smoke 30 cigarettes a day;

In the second month, draw 20 sticks a day;

In the third month, draw 10 sticks a day;

In the 4th month, draw 5 sticks a day.

He said that in the last month of quitting smoking, he smoked two cigarettes a day, one after lunch and one after dinner. By the end of the fifth month, he was determined not to smoke again.

He swears that the only return he needs is the satisfaction of achieving his predetermined goals. Well, he really quit smoking completely, it was 7 years ago, and he has never smoked since then.

This goal-setting technique suits his personality well, so he does it. This is a useful technique for him, but many people have used this technique and failed miserably.

It is not skills that make people stop, it is their autonomous motives that make people stop. Some people who are determined to quit smoking will find it easier to quit, so setting a goal of gradually reducing nicotine intake is not a useful technique for them.

They can choose their own skills if they want to use them. However, if they are not really ready to change, it does not make sense to worry about a technique that is doomed to fail.

About the author

Edward L. Desi is an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Rochester and was the director of the university’s human motivation program. For more than 40 years, he has continued to carry out in-depth research in the fields of intrinsic motivation, extrinsic motivation and basic psychological needs. Richard Frost, former editor of the Science and Health section of the New York Times, led a team that won the Pulitzer Prize in 1987.

This article is an excerpt from “Intrinsic Motivation”, published by Machinery Industry Press.

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